Wand'ring with the Melting Moon

It's been a while...

2010-03-05T23:59:00.002-05:00

...and I'm afraid that my attempt to continue a steady blog has failed and shall continue to fail indefinitely. I've gone back to a regular written journal, which is much more fulfilling for me, both creatively and therapeutically.

I feel like so much has gone in the time since my last blog it'll be near impossible to try and catch up with everything...so I'm not even going to try.

So...here's a bit of a send off...I've been feeling very lost and alone of late, what with graduation only about two months away and I with no idea what to do or where to go or...anything...I hate not having the answers, I hate not knowing, but that's where I am...and, for the love of god I'm not even gonna get started on my love life (or lack thereof...*shakes head in shame*), so, yeah...

Maybe when my life comes into order and I find a purpose and a path...I'll come back to blogging...but...for now, not so much.

Maybe we'll meet again, in another time...in another life.

Procrastination!

2009-08-15T20:32:00.002-04:00

So, I just finished cutting out the pieces for the dress that will be the first costume piece of my senior show...which is coming much more quickly that I'd like to admit. It's a stretch knit fabric that I'm not looking forward to struggling with on the sewing machine...and I've just now realized that I completely forgot to pick up stretch needles for my machine...uck. Do I attempt to sew it with the general use needles and risk mucking up the fabric....hmmm. I shall mull whilst I blog.

So...it's been two months since I last blogged, and a LOT has gone on. Like...A LOT a lot. I shall start with Italia.

So, basically for the whole month of July, I was halfway across the world in Italy, studying language and commedia. It really was a great experience and I learned a shit ton...but, as I've told the numerous people who have asked me about it, it was not a vacation by any stretch of the imagination. To start, July is quite possibly the worst time to be in Italy...it was pretty much 95 degrees every day, and for reasons unknown to me, Italians don't believe in AC. And I really hate the heat. So, that made me miserable...a lot. We were in class 90% of the time, whether it be seven hours of language, a master class with a crazy Italian, rehearsing for the scenario, or conditioning and pushing our bodies to their limits. Our 'days off' were not so much...but that's besides the point. The scenario turned out well, more or less. I played the role of Flaminia, a lover. It was definitely an awesome experience, and I really was able to just let go and be a giant goof on stage, which was great. As soon as Zarko sets up the video online, I'll be sure to post it to the blog. Anywho......next time I travel abroad, it will be strictly as a tourist, and I will be staying in a five star hotel with AC and my own bathroom. The living arrangement...8 people, one tiny house, and one shower...harsh. But the group a decent one, and save for some small quibbles (mostly concerning money), we all got along well, and managed to put on a really fun performance.

Needless to say, my return home was a happy one...it was great to be back in my own house with my own room and my own bathroom and my AC and my cat. I missed home a lot.

Upon returning to good old Scranton, I fell back into my routine of Justice and Johnny Rockets, which is going quite well, and I'm hoping to keep both up during the school year. We'll see how that goes. :)

After being back home for about a week and a half...my grandpa finally passed away. I went to visit him the Monday after I got back, and he told me to do good....to do so good. I'm the only grandchild right now who's attending college and actually going to finish....he told me I should have been a doctor. I told him I hate doctors. I promised him I would do good, and I intend to keep that promise, one way or another. He passed away peacefully on Thursday, August 6, 2009, after a long hard struggle with cancer. The weekend following was particularly rough, consisting of several family gatherings up at my gramma's, a memorial service on Sunday, and funeral on Monday. The funeral was awful. I promised both my parents that when they die, I'd make sure they don't get the ridiculously depressing Catholic services like Grampy did, but that we'll just have a big party and celebrate their lives, instead of mourn their deaths. The whole ordeal has been really rough on my mom, but she's dealing the best that she can. I think, now that it's finally over, we can all start to move on and heal.

So, now, I'm working my butt off before school starts up on the 31st, trying to get at least a start on my senior show (and failing miserably...*sigh*), and....in happy and exciting news...I'm going to see Hair!! Dad and I have tickets for the 26th...I'm so stoked. And I'll also be fitting in a trip to Drama Book that day to search for the ever illusive monologues for my senior show...I'm starting to wonder if any even exist. I guess we'll see. So, now I'm gonna go and review the instructions for my current sewing project, maybe start stitching (maybe...I'm going to experiment with some scrap fabric), and I still need to finish all my renderings...and I think I might go with a different concept for my final costume. Still not sure, I've got a lot to mull over...and then I want to get to bed at a decent hour so I can get up, shower, and be to work at 10 AM (Justice)...

P.S. - I went to an all-male revue last night at Spurs...and...ew. At least I know never to do that again. Yikes. I think I'll keep Spurs on my list of places to go for karaoke...and only karaoke.

Life is a highway...

2009-06-14T22:01:00.003-04:00

Not too much to discuss presently...just the fact that I've traveled about 2300 miles across the country to the quaint little town of Helena, Montana, to visit relatives. It's been a very relaxed couple of days (sans the 32 hours trapped in the car...which wasn't horrible, but at the same time, not entirely enjoyable either...). There's not much to do in the way of entertainment 'round these parts, but it's nice, nonetheless, to stop and smell the roses - regardless of how much I may sneeze and suffer from doing so. I'm not gonna lie - I can't wait to get back home and get back in the swing of things...I feel like it's wrong for me to try and do work while I'm out here...it is, after all, a vacation. So, I inevitably procrastinate working on my senior show...I have yet to transpose a single composition into my voice range...and I know that's going to be the most time consuming project, as I will be putting each individual piece into Sibelius, note by note, and then transposing it using Sibelius...it's a very time consuming and...well, quite frankly a boring process that looses my interest after about two hours. I suppose I need to just crack down and do it. I've got about a week of a half of time over at the Diehm's when I get back to PA where I will be Lucky-sitting and have much free time to just sit in front of the TV, put something only mildly interesting on in the background, and go to town. I think I might not allow myself to start doing my renderings until the sheet music is taken care of. And, fml, I still can't find any monologues or scenes that are relavent to my theme choice. I think I'm gonna E-mail Doc and see if she has anything floating around that neurotic noggin of hers. We'll see.

Well, I think that about wraps things up for now...I don't know that I'll be able to get online again until after I'm back in PA, so, until then...enjoy the view.

Do the monkey with me!

2009-06-04T00:55:00.004-04:00

I start training at Johnny Rockets in approximately nine hours...and in honor of that...a video.

If you're utterly confused by what Johnny Bravo has to do with Johnny Rockets...blame my manager Katie. She started it. Now to bed!

Where do I go from here?

2009-06-02T12:55:00.002-04:00

Happy birthday to me! I'm finally 21!! In a short while I will be heading out to procure my big-girl license...that's right - no more vertical license for me! Then it's off to dinner at Coopers with some of the gang, then karaoke at Billy B's, where [hopefully] there will not be too much awkwardness with the karaoke host and the fact that I have just turned 21. *sigh* Why can't I attract men my own age? Why is it that the creepy middle-aged guys always seem to find me alluring? Mysteries of life, I suppose.

Oh, on an entirely different note, I think I have a job at Johnny Rockets. I have training this Thursday, but I'm not sure that they'll keep me on knowing all the time I'm going to miss. I did say that I was going away to Italy for three weeks in July in the interview, and that didn't seem to be an issue, but I have yet to tell them that I will also be gone for a week in June to visit family in Montana...I was going to break that news on Thursday. All I know is that I just dropped about $35 on clothes for this job, and I better fucking be keeping it, cause I don't think I can take the clothes back. Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Thursday night I'm driving out to Long Island for some birthday celebrations with Carolyn. Her birthday is Thursday, and we're having a "Becky and Carolyn turned 21" extravaganza type thing...Friday on LI and Saturday in the city...unfortunately I won't be seeing Hair as originally planned...maybe I'll see it when I get back from Italy, depending on how much money (if any) I have left over. All I know is that I will see this musical...come hell or high water! But, show or no show, it will still be a fun weekend!!

Well, I have to get ready, because I want to be out and back in time to enjoy some afternoon cakey-ness (yes, my mommy bought me a cake...and a balloon...don't judge!) with my family before I head out to celebrate with my friends. Maybe now that I'm 21 and can go out to bars and such...I can fix this whole 'me being single' situation...which is really getting quite annoying...we shall see. Ciao!

All the lonely people...where do they all come from?

2009-05-12T10:03:00.007-04:00

So, yes, I'm finally getting around to updating this damn thing...I've got my planner out and everything so that I hit all the events that have transpired in the previous weeks. So...let's see...where to begin...*flips through the pages of her life*...

April 3 - Ran unopposed for Treasurer of the Marywood Players 2009-2010 Academic Year. It's awesome that people really trust me in this position...or perhaps no one else thought they could handle dealing with the Fiscal Affairs office...either way, yay me! That night, we went to see North Pocono's performance of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" - not at all what I was expecting. As I've said before, the line between high school and college level performance is very blatant and becoming increasingly obvious. Unfortunately, this was not a performance that I thoroughly enjoyed, but I'm glad to have seen it, nonetheless.

April 4 - Kidstuff '09. Theme: The Wizard of Oz. From this experience I take away one thing - I do not so much enjoy the company of children. It's different at work when I'm getting paid to be nice to them, and they aren't EVERYWHERE. But Kidstuff just isn't my cup of tea. At least I know now.

April 9-13 - Worked my Easter Break away. That's just fine with me. :)

The week after Easter, we really had to crack down and get to work on Children's Theatre. I worked my ass off on the costumes for this show, with the help of the lovely Pattianne Martin as my assistant, and some willing-to-learn fellow students. Gaze upon the glory...the fruits of my labor.

So, these are the lovely attendants. Costumes fashioned from satin poet shirts found in the costume closet with my own personal touches. I brought back the magic scarfs from last year's production and used them to create sashes and trim. I also made the green sleep cap and orange floppy hat.

And the royal family. Princess Astrid, in a wonderfully drab green skirt and poet shirt pulled from stock, and a vest I threw together. Prince Eric, the bane of my costuming existence. I made his poet shirt, we found the vest, and I had to take a pair of slacks and turn them into breeches so that he wouldn't have a bare bottom. For a while there, I wasn't sure what I was going to do with him, but it worked out. The King, in a fabulous red number, pulled from stock, with red pants turned into bloomers by yours truly. And the Queen, in a stunning purple and navy dress that was rotting out like no one's business. Props to Pattianne for bringing that one back to life on multiple occasions.

And, of course, the Troll and Osric. The troll's costume was basically stock, an oversized smock with a rope belt, vest, and Shroud pants from Children's Theatre two years ago. The only addition to her costume was a bit of cloth across the neckline so she wouldn't have to paint that green as well. And Osric...oh Osric and her dress. That damn dress was in sore shape, but Pattianne made it work. Oh, and I made her little headpiece.

Look, Ma, I made a show!

This costuming experience was bittersweet for me, I must say. While it was great to get the experience and to see what it's like first hand to costume a show, I'm going to be bitter about it forever. First, because I wanted to be in the show, and wasn't given that opportunity because Doc threw the costuming position at me and how could I say no? Second, because I didn't get paid to do this. Normally, we bring in a professional costumer to do our Children's Theatre shows, and pay them quite well. Well, it was not the case with this production. I did this show completely free of charge, and, even then, I got to use all my hours for practicum, so, that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the complete lack of support and gratitude I got from Doc on this show. It seemed like every step I took was in the wrong direction, and, I'm sorry, but you asked me to do this, knowing full well that I have never done it before. I had to call off work, my real job, that they actually pay me to do, on several occasions because I had to be at the theatre. The worst, though, was when Doc gave gifts to the Assistant Director, Stage Manager, and Assistant Stage Manager and completely snubbed me. I put in over 80 hours of work on this show in about a week and a half span, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Big fat FML moment right there. So to Doc, I say this: If you every expect me to costume a show for you again, I expect compensation. Period. If you're going to put me in a position like that, at least thank me for the work I did. She hardly even did that. Like I said...bitter forever.

Anywho, moving on...*flips through some more pages*...let's see, let's see...

Directly following strike and post mortem of Children's Theatre, I had to scuttle my butt down to the Wilkes Barre for a Campus Choir concert. I honestly didn't mind it, I prefer the concert at St. Stephen's to the one in the auditorium...plus I got to dress up like a pirate afterwards and hung out with Frank at the Relay for Life for a few hours. Doing stuff like that makes me pine for the old days, the high school days, when life was simple and it was just always a good time because everyone was always together. We didn't need to do anything extravagant or outlandish...a night in with the gang was all it took to have fun. It's also nice to break up the MU routine and venture out to seek new friends and stranger company...sorry Midsummer flashback.

So, Children's Theatre came to a close, Campus Choir wrapped up, and then it was right into finals...in a 'holy hell what the fuck am I gonna do?' kind of way. Some finals I kind of blew off (that would be my Cosmology final...but Dr. J is a cool guy and gave me an A anyways...heh heh), and others I worked my ass off for (that would be Ancient and Medieval World History...26 pages later...I better get an A, haha). Grades come out this Thursday, and I've got my fingers crossed for the Dean's List. Six semesters running would be fantastic. We'll see, I guess.

May 4 - handed in my last final of the semester. THANK GOD. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do it - I wasted many a precious minute sitting at my computer thinking, "There's just no way. Even if I don't sleep, there's no way that I am going to be able to finish everything in time..." But somehow I did, and now, it seems, I am officially a senior. That's fucking scary as all hell...and I'd rather not think about it, but I think I have to think about it because I've got a senior show to put on in October and, well, yeah, I need to get cracking on that. More on that in a bit though.

May 8 - FUCKING AWESOME DAY! It was a day trip to NYC with Coley, Ogin, Liz, and Nate to see "Waiting for Godot" with Nathan Lane, John Goodman, Bill Erwin, and John Glover. We walked around the city, shopped a bit, visited Drama Book, I did some stuff for my senior show, and the culmination of the days activities was seeing the production, and my first experience stage-dooring. It was fantastic. I'd never seen the production staged before, and it was just SO good. I think my favorite character was Lucky, portrayed by John Glover, and his speech was just superb. It blows my mind even thinking about it now. Stage-dooring was also a surreal experience. The bigger name celebrities (Lane and Goodman) were kind of standoffish, but Erwin and Glover were fantastic...they wanted to know what school we went to, what we thought of the show...oh man, it was just great. I can't wait to stage-door "Exit the King"...heh heh heh...and I bought a shirt! It was expensive, $30, but worth it. It says "I can't. I'm waiting for Godot." How fucking great is that?!?! I love it. I think I need to do more days in the city...they're just a good thing, all around. And I've got money saved. I wasn't sure what I was saving it for...but maybe this is it - trips to the city. I shall have to confer with my fellow travelers to get their take on the idea, as I am not apprised of their financial situations. We shall see.

That just about brings things up to speed...but I must briefly reflect on work related issues for a moment. Last week, I worked an open to close shift at the store. That's all fine and good, not an issue, but I was working with Kim. Now, we've been getting along fairly well the last couple of weeks, but she completely took advantage of me and did NOT do her job at all this particular day. I have no problem being out on the floor by myself a while, but all day? All day? Kim spent the majority of the morning and afternoon on the phone with doctor's in the backroom, trying to sort things out with her daughter's broken nose. Understandable, things need to get taken care of, but it does not take several hours to sort these things out. Meanwhile, while she's gabbing away in the back, I have to take on the responsibility, the managerial responsibility of supervising the floor and manning the register. Luckily it wasn't too busy in the morning, so I was okay with it. It's what happened in the afternoon that brought things to a boil. Kim realized that she had no one to get her child, her precious Fuzz off the bus, and proceeded to FREAK OUT. She's calling all over the neighborhood to try and find someone to take care of her kid. Great parenting there, Kimbo. I told her if she had to leave to pick her up, I'd be okay for a half hour by myself, just leave me the keys and stuff and do what she had to do. But she refused, and proceeded to continue making phone calls, popping in and out of the backroom, as the store began to fill with customers. At this point, Kim has found out that her child is safe at a neighbor's house. End of story, right? WRONG. She then proceeds to regale the entire day's events to said neighbor, including all the doctor hoopla she had done that morning. There are about 15 costumers in the store, a line at the register, I'm trying to get people what they need and ring at the same time...and meanwhile Kim is just chit chatting away in the back room. One customer even informed me that another person left the store because Kim was on the phone. Yeah. So, things proceed like this for some time, until about 5 o'clock, when Katie shows up. Then Kim decides to get her act in gear for the remaining 15 minutes she's working, and actually does her job. FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Oh, but wait, here's the best part. I told Katie what had happened, and then told her I was going to write Randi a letter about it, because it needed to be addressed and taken care of. So, I wrote my little letter, ran it by Katie, and sealed it in an envelope, addressed it to Randi, wrote "For your eyes only" on the back seal, and left it on the desk. I go into work yesterday morning, Randi opened, and she proceeds to tell me that KIM OPENED THE LETTER! She also informs me that she thinks Katie instigated Kim to open it, and now, just when I thought things were going to start getting smoother, no more drama, all this conspiracy shit crops up out of nowhere. So, I'm furious, Randi's furious, Kim's an idiot, and maybe Katie's a backstabber? I dunno, but when Kim came in that afternoon, I was on my out, and she gives the cold shoulder! Like I did something to her! Excuse me, but who's the dumbass who opened someone else's PRIVATE, SEALED letter??!?!? I dunno, man. I love it there, I do, but I'm starting to think it's not work it. Well, I know it's not worth it, the pittance they're paying me...but that's ANOTHER story that will hopefully turn out in my favor once I write a strongly worded letter to Human Resources concerning the recent decision to do away with raises. Yeah. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Okay, now that I have vented about that, onto much more pleasant things. Such as...

21 days till I turn 21!! It's going to be great. I don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, but I know I want to do Cooper's again and I'll probably do the midnight bar crawl thing. We'll see. I still have 21 days to figure it out, lol.

The weekend after my birthday, there is a party. A big party. A party so big it couldn't be held in this state. Well, I exaggerate a bit. Carolyn's birthday is two days after mine, and her parents decided to throw a big party for the both of us at her place on Long Island. We're going Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and hopefully seeing a show in that time *crosses fingers for Hair*. We have to talk about it a bit more, but whatever goes down, it's going to be a good time.

Two days after that craziness, Dad and I are hopping in the Bug and driving out to Montana to see Gramma Vivian and Aunt Lynda. We'll be gone a week, which kind of blows for me and work, but I haven't seen them in years and it'll be great to finally take Pepper on an honest to god road trip. I'm looking forward to it.

So it's LI from June 5-7, MT from June 10-17, and then Italy from July 4-July 26! Yes, everything is in place for the trip to Italy, it's a done deal. Got my loan, paid for the trip, and it's going to be three weeks of intensity overseas. But fun...I hope. More on that as it develops, I suppose.

Then, this is how crazy I am, I get back from Italy on July 26, then I'm taking a day to rest up, and driving out to Maryland for a week on the beach with Coley and her gang. I'm trying to get someone from my gang to go with so that I won't be like the odd man out...but it's not looking good...I know that Rene and Carolyn won't want to go...they're not retarded like me and will want to recover from Italy, lol. I've asked Frank but he's not sure he'll have the money. And...that's about it. No one else is going to be 21 by that time that would want to go...and...well, such is my sad existence and lack of friends, I suppose. But, either way, a week on the beach relaxing and kicking back will be nice after Italy.

And between all this craziness and nonsense that's going on, I have a senior show to write, costume, choreograph, and create. I have my basics - it's just getting things started that's holding me back. Once I get going, I know it'll be fine, but...it's the getting going that's the problem, lol. I don't know where to start...I still haven't found a monologue or scene to use (I'm reading scripts right now - another reason for frequent visits to the city - to go to Drama Book!)...I need to start the script, start sketching some costumes, start making some costumes...oh boy...this isn't much of a summer vacation at all, it would seem...

Well, this has been a very long post, and, I think it had to be, because there has been so much that has gone on and so much going on and so much that will go on...and I'm not sure what to do now...I have to be to work at 5, I have to stop by the grocery store before then, but I still have a couple hours to kill and while I would love to go downstairs, grab a snack, and watch a couple episodes of Quantum Leap, I think perhaps I'll start working on my senior show script...in some capacity, at least, even if it's just brainstorming for a bit.

Until next time (which will be soon, I hope)...

Oh! PS - normally 2:30 AM calls that wake me from a dead sleep would agitate me, but when it's you calling to tell me that you never texted me back because your phone died...it's kind of sweet.

Let the sunshine...let the sunshine in...

2009-04-25T07:27:00.005-04:00

So life has been pretty crazy these last couple of weeks, hence my lack of new posts, and there is much to discuss...oh yes, much indeed - however, now is not the time. I simply want to say this and then swiftly depart:

It's going to be sunny and 85 degrees today - so, by gum, I'm wearing a dress!

And no one can stop me!!

That is all for now...more to come in a week perhaps - when the semester ends and I can breathe easy once again...

Oh yes, one little side note - 38 days until my 21st birthday! Woooo!!

Creation

2009-03-31T00:17:00.003-04:00

I want to stand outside in a thunderstorm and feel the electricity in the atmosphere tickle my skin.

I want to remember what it feels like to be lost in an embrace as the rest of the world just melts away...and there are no more cares, no more worries, no more thoughts.

I want to stay in the cozy embrace of my bed until the sky begins to crumble and I'm left with no choice but to seek refuge elsewhere.

I want to know what it's like to know what to do...how it feels to have a path and a plan.

I want to be able to recall what it is to be in love, but with each passing day, I lose a little bit more, and it fades faster and faster.

I want to not be afraid of what tomorrow may or may not bring. I want to step outside and say that I am going to take on the world, and actually do it. I want to overcome the desire to look down as I pass someone by; I want to look them in the eyes and show them who I am.

I want to create something completely unique - something that has been building up inside of me for an indeterminable amount of time - that is screaming to be released. I want to know how to release that completely unique something.

I think I want to start writing again.

An Assortment of Thoughts...

2009-03-24T08:22:00.006-04:00

...much like the giant bag of jelly beans in the seasonal isle of RiteAid that tempts me every time I walk past it.

So, yes, it's been a while, I am aware, but things have just been so unbelievably hectic. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing...it's just a thing, but I have a few minutes now, so let's get down to business. Or not. I don't know. My brain is all askew and I feel like I'm going through the motions of my daily routine in an almost zombie-like state. Perhaps it's just the rigors of nearing the end of the semester...papers to do, shows coming up, finals approaching faster than anyone would like to admit...I don't know. As the title insinuates, this blog will probably be all over the place and not make much sense at times, but there's a lot floating around in my busy little noggin and I think some of it needs to find a means of escape before I slip into a state of catatonia and let the whole world down.

I know that I complain a lot about the dismal existence of being an employee in the retail world - but I really do love my job. Aside from the constant fear of having my shift cut (thanks to a still floundering economy - come on, Obama - I voted for you for a reason!) and having to continually correct mistakes made by one incompetent ASL who shall remain nameless, times are pretty good in Justice-land. This morning, as soon as the water heater refills, I shall jump in the shower, then take my squeaky-clean self off to work with my first priority being the set up of a new beach-cabana-themed window display. I don't care if it makes me sick or diluted - I freaking love setting up displays. And no one else does. So, as long as there are displays to be set up, I think I'll have job. And also...who else can say they prepared to wage war with an army of guinea pigs...on the clock?
Moving on.

I register for fall semester of my senior year today - which is pretty much terrifying. It only means that I'm that much closer to my senior show, to graduation, and to having no idea what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, or how I'm going to even begin to pay off the mountain of debt that I've accrued in the interest of continuing my education. *sigh* I should have gone to a state school. I'm pondering if it's worth it to spend an extra $400 for applied guitar as my one credit music elective, I suppose I could register for it, and when the semester bill comes over the summer, I can decide if I will be able to stick to it or have to let it slide until the spring. Also...contemplating taking Ballroom dance. I think I'll find out who else is planning on taking it and go from there. I will be done with my dance minor after this semester, so I don't really need it...but I think it might be fun and it's always a good idea to expose yourself to new styles of dance, because you never know when that role is gonna pop up where they want you to be able to do a sweeping waltz across the stage. I guess I can register for that too and drop it if I'm not satisfied.

I think I've found a way to fit "Hippie Life" from the musical Hair into my senior show. More on that at a later date.

Saturday night was both enjoyable and utterly frustrating. Enjoyable because I got to go see comedian/musician Stephen Lynch at the Kirby Center. I've been listening to his stuff for years, probably since I was a little bit too young to be enjoying his material, but I'm all grown up now and fully capable of understanding and appreciating his off the cuff, lewd, and offensive style. He put on a great show, and it was nice to forget about the world for a while and just laugh. The frustating part of the evening was that I took my younger brother along so that I wouldn't have to be alone (who wants to go to a concert alone???), however, hours before we departed for the WB, he began vomiting quite violently, having been struck down by the flu that had taken my dad by force days before. It came time to leave, and I asked him if he would be okay. He said he would, and we departed. Well, I had to pull over to let him vomit, and once we got to the Kirby Center, he spent the majority of the show in the men's bathroom, texting me if we could leave. I know it sounds horrible, but I paid nearly $40 and I wanted to see the whole damn show. I consider it karma for his deceitful actions this past winter - those actions being his failing out of college and not telling anyone. He said he still enjoyed the show though, as he could hear it when he wasn't getting sick, so, I don't really feel bad about it.
Moving on once more.

Friday night brought many things - The Leadership Conference for clubs and organizations on campus, the second part of the audition workshop with Heather - an invaluable resource that never lasts as long as I would hope, and the Rent Party at ETC. It was really fun to just let loose and dance a little, and it was especially fun to put that envelope of money into the donation box knowing that the money from the Sock Hop was going to a genuinely good cause and helping out people that we all care about.

Friday night also found me in the Wilkes-Barre area for a visit with an old friend. These visits for me are bittersweet, in a way, because they summon up lots of old feelings and emotions...quite frankly, things that I would like to keep locked away as distant memories. We watched a movie, one of my personal favorites that he had never seen, "Drop Dead Fred." My visits with him, as I said, are bittersweet. I know I say that I don't want to settle down, that's just not my lifestyle. I want to be out and about, traveling, doing things, all the time, but at the same time, I'm really getting tired of waking up alone. I've been single for going on three years now...and it seems like every time the prospect of a relationship even shines the faintest glimmer of hope, something goes wrong. Example - prospective boy in Boston: intelligent, funny, enjoys many of the things I enjoy. Problem - can't leave the state for the next three years due to probation for being accused of sexually assaulting a woman. Great! Seriously though, I am really tired of being alone. It seems like everyone has someone, whether at school or back home, and I have no one. I sometimes ponder asking Wilkes-Barre friend if he'd like to give it another shot, we had a lot of good times, but I always quell the impulse because I know it will end badly. But how do I know? I don't. I guess all I know is that in matters of the heart, I am ruled by my fears moreso than by my hopes.

*****Five hours later...*****

So, I had to stop writing in order to wash myself and venture out into the big bad world to work my slaving job and get my pay. But I'm back now, albeit briefly, to conclude and reflect on the last five hours events.

My windows look lovely. I am very proud of them. I was told by the perfume lady that I should be a window decorator for a living. I told her I was an actor, and walked away.

I registered for my classes. I got everything I needed. Splendid.

There was a bit of a bout with a few folks over shopping and responsibilities and the fact that apparently I have been not so successful in quelling my rage? I didn't think that I had been freaking out more than usual, but, I guess that some people have been seeing me more angry. I don't know, it's all very confusing to me. Yes, I know that I freaked out for a split second on the day of the Sock Hop - but that was a religious matter that I will not get into, and when stuff like that happens, yes, I am prone to freak out because it is a touchy subject for me. I guess it comes down to this - I try not to dump all the problems in my life on those around me. I know that they all have enough of their own shit to deal with; but then everyone else starts bombarding me with their problems and I am genuinely concerned for them and want to help...I now have their problems on top of my problems and it's just a lot to deal with. Then when I ask for a little helping hand, make some plans, everyone's always got something conflicting, and I'm left to bear the brunt of it. I know that I let people use me - it's a horrible trait, I know. It stems from my wanting to do everything, which I have spoken of previously. Okay, I feel like this isn't going anywhere. End thought: I know this sounds stupid, but when people cancel plans on me, it makes me feel like they don't want to be with me, which just adds to that giant chasm of loneliness that keeps growing inside of me.

It seems a depressing way to end a blog, but I feel it appropriate to bring this to a close. Sum up:

~Lots of thoughts

~Like my job - my windows are bangin'.

~Army of guinea pigs

~Registration - everything's peachy except for a class I'm taking that doesn't exist yet.

~Stephen Lynch

~Rent Party

~Wilkes-Barre

~Becky's lonely.

This turned out to be much longer that I'd originally anticipated, but it's done now, so I can move on to bigger and better things...what they are, I'm not entirely sure.

I wish I knew.

2009-03-15T21:52:00.007-04:00

I hate this. I know that my 'wanting to do everything' is completely unrealistic. I know I can't be everything I want to be and do everything I want to do, I know that I can't travel the world and be an astronaut and learn to speak Russian...I know that. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

I am not happy right now.

Auditions were today for Children's Theatre, and I was forbidden from auditioning. As I will be costume designing the show, and there's a lot of work that's going to have to go into that, Doc told me was I not allowed to audition. I thought I would be okay with it. Costuming Children's Theatre is a great opportunity to build up my resume and portfolio not only for grad school, but for my professional career as well...but at the same time I am close to tears at the fact that I had to give up performing for it. What the hell does that mean?? I really thought I was starting to figure things out, that I would be a costumer, and performing would be more of a hobby for me...but now? Feeling how I feel, knowing that I wasn't even given the opportunity to perform, I don't even know where to go from here.

I hate thinking about the future...about all the uncertainties that lie ahead...man, just when you think you have a path and a plan...and then it all gets blown to hell. I feel an F my L moment welling up.

On a less heavy note - the Alcohol Awareness Project went over very well and was very well received by everyone involved. While it may not have been the most intense or cathartic acting experience of my life, it is still very gratifying to know that my work may have made a bigger impact of some kind - whether it be on the department, or the university, or even on one audience member. And it was my very first gig as a paid actor. That is exciting.

Also on a fun note, the Players' Sock Hop was a great success. We had a whole group of people outside of the Players who showed up, which was really cool. Not gonna lie - I was surprised. It was a pleasant surprise nonetheless. It was three hours of fun music, silly dancing, and good times. We turned a profit of nearly $50, and we will discuss exactly what to do with said money at our next Players' officer meeting.

I can't wait until our next theme dance. :)

Well, I suppose that's all the news for now. I'm going to try and get some history homework done before I crash for the evening, which hopefully won't be too soon as I took a nice two hour nap earlier.

If I figure out what I want to do with my life - you'll be the first to know.

Another break come and gone...

2009-03-08T00:51:00.002-05:00

Alas, poor Spring Break...I knew thee well. So it seems that break is rapidly coming to a close (and I'm losing an hour of it tonight, while I sleep...curses!), but it has indeed been an eventful one and I will do my best to recap the goings-on that occurred without boring anyone to tears. Let us start...at the beginning...

Wednesday - drove to Long Island to meet up with Victoria and Carolyn for a day out with the girls. We visiting their gigantic mall that blew my mind a little bit, and went to this quaint little coffee shop called Spoon where we enjoyed s'mores and live music. It was nice to just chill with them in a non-school environment (one can only enjoy the PAC and the dining hall so much...)

Thursday - a day in the city with Victoria. A damn good day in the city, I think. I must boast about the summer dress I purchased...the man who owned the little shop it was in sold it to me for $25, as it was the last one of its kind and had no price tag, and others like it were $45. Yay bargain! We walked around St. Marks and checked out all the vintage clothing stores (FYI - it's cheaper to just hit up the Salvo...basically the same selection for a fraction of the price.), took a leisurely stroll up and down Bleecker, and ended the day with an off-Broadway show. The show was called "The Garden of Earthly Delights" and it fascinated me. It was a dance show, but still a theatre production because it told the story of a 16th century painting depicting Heaven, Imaginary Heaven (Earth), and Hell. I really enjoyed it and appreciated the opportunity to be exposed to a new and different performance style. After the show, we returned to Long Island, where Victoria took me to the most absolutely fantastic coffee shop called Witch's Brew. I know...right? Definitely a highlight of the whole trip. I'm such a spazz...don't judge.

Friday - a sort of half-day in the city. We had to make some of the normal stops - those being Colony and Drama Book. Unfortunately my endeavors proved fruitless in Colony...I didn't want to buy whole books when I needed single songs, so that was that. Drama Book proved slightly more successful, as I found a script called Intimate Apparel which I fully intend to read once have the opportunity to read for pleasure, and also Victoria had never been there (I know, I was shocked too), so, she needed to be introduced to its wonderfulness. And, oh my, the best stop of the day was definitely to the Mood Fabric Store...yes, the one from Project Runway. It was almost a religious experience for me being in that store...and now I fear I shall never be satisfied with our measley JoAnn Fabrics ever again. I proceeded to purchase two yards of an absolutely stunning fabric which I shall incorporate into my "A Change in Me" dress (rendering to come soon, I hope). It was a bit pricey at $14 a yard, but I allowed myself to splurge, compromising that I would keep the rest of the dress to a $50 budget...yeah, we'll see how that turns out. We returned from the city, met up with some of Victoria's friends, and went to her old high school's production of Beauty and the Beast. It definitely took me back to my glory days of high school performing. My main qualms with the performance was that the pit orchestra overwhelmed the ensemble, and I had trouble hearing many of the characters at times, which was not aided by the less that adequate audio equipment which seemed to be on the fritz, the ensemble was just a bit too big for the space they were using, and I noticed more than once that it created issues with certain choreography. Oh, and Belle was blonde. That kind of irked me. Other than that, it was a cute show, however, I definitely see the difference in quality between high school shows and college shows in a much clearer light.

Saturday - up bright and early to hit the road to Lambertville, NJ to meet up with Caitlyn for the Bucks County Playhouse auditions. Believe it or not - my first real world audition (as in not for school). And, thankfully, it was not nearly as frightening as I thought it might be. I didn't realize how many people would turn out for the auditions, but we got their and signed up early. I went in, shook the director's hand, and proceeded to sing my sixteen bars. I pride myself on the fact that I did not check in with the pianist even though we weren't quite together through most of it, but just kept singing like I owned it. It was somewhat unnerving that they were looking at my resume while I was singing, but when I started belting near the end I got their attention which made me happy. My only regret is that I am unable to attend the dance audition tomorrow because I had to return home for Alcohol Awareness rehearsal. It will probably hinder my chances of being cast in anything, but, hey, what are you gonna do? At least I got the experience of an audition and gave it my best shot. Now we just wait and see, I suppose. I won't be heartbroken if I don't get cast - I think my summer is going to be pretty chock full of crazy as it is, between Italy and preparing for my senior show. So, yes, I came, I sang, and then I hopped back into my little bug and scooted my batooty home with plenty of time to catch a performance of Columbinus at the University of Scranton. A really fantastic show, I thought, with a vastly talented cast. I enjoyed it immensely and I don't think I'll soon forget the impact it left on me. That's some deep stuff, that is.

Well, I suppose I should get to bed now, considering all I have to do tomorrow and the hour I'll be losing in approximately 35 minutes.

Ah! One final note - my saddle shoes came, they fit (they're even a bit big, but thick socks will solve that issue), and so my Sock Hop ensemble is truly complete...hoorah!

The world has gone mad today...

2009-03-03T23:38:00.007-05:00

So, I really should be getting to bed, as I have quite a bit of driving ahead of me in the AM, but I couldn't help but blog...because my sock hop costume is complete! The Salvo did not fail me, and I got my cardigan for 99 cents! Granted, it had a hole, but I stitched it up in a jiff and all's well. So, check it out!

There you go! And the shoes I also picked up at the Salvo for the bargain price of $4 just in case the saddle shoes I ordered are the wrong size or don't come in time.

So, as I said, I have quite a drive ahead of me in the AM - I am flying solo on a road trip to Long Island to visit with Victoria and Carolyn for a few days. I am sooo very excited to be getting out of NEPA for a while. Then, after a few days in the Big Apple, I'll be hopping back in my little bug and bookin' it to Lambertville to see Caitlyn and to audition at the Bucks County Playhouse. I'll do my best to keep you updated on all the ridiculous antics that will doubtlessly ensue in the coming days, but for now, I haven't even started to pack, so good night, good night...a thousand times good night!

Oops...I forgot to keep a clock handy...

2009-03-02T04:27:00.003-05:00

So...I'm just now going to bed...and why you ask? Because as soon as I got home from work (around midnight) I picked up with the skirt project...and didn't stop, haha. It wasn't until I went to use the full-length mirror and glimpsed a clock that I realized how late it was.

I can't remember the last time I stayed up this late for the sheer pleasure of something, but now I must retire so as not to make any silly mistakes and to let the fabric sit and drape before I hem it.

I foresee a full day of sewing, as it has already started to snow, and apparently they're forecasting some accumulations of sorts...quite frankly, I wish winter would get it's ass out of town already and let spring and summer roll in!

Good night! Or perhaps good morning...I'm not quite sure...but either way I shall be posting pictures of the skirt and what I have of the costume later today if all goes smoothly.

You calypso when you chicken...

2009-03-01T00:57:00.003-05:00

Well, now that I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to shell out yet another hundred dollars in order to go to Italy this summer, I can share my latest brain storm/project in the works...The scan doesn't do the the rendering justice, but I promise, it's awesome. This is my outfit for the Players' Sock Hop, going down Friday, March 13. I have the fabric and pattern for the skirt, which I'm hoping I'll be able to complete in a day or two. The major problem I'm encountering is finding a basic wide black belt (ridiculous, I know. You'd think they'd be everywhere! They're not.) and a grey cardigan. I'm hoping that a trip to the Salvo later this week will prove more fruitful than my previous endeavors in the conventional retail world...I shall keep you updated.

In the meantime, I'll post a pictures of the outfit as it evolves...I'll try not to keep you waiting too long.

Curses!!

2009-02-28T23:51:00.003-05:00

$100 to renew my passport?? Why must life be so expensive!?!?

Midnight Ramblings

2009-02-28T00:31:00.000-05:00

I find myself questioning everything lately. My skepticism is getting the best of me, and it's driving me nuts. I'm honored and astounded that Doc asked me to costume design Children's Theatre - but at the same time I am completely terrified. What if I don't do a good job with it? This is kind of what I'm hinging my career on, and I have no idea how it's going to turn out.

Also, it's killing me that I can't perform in Children's Theatre. I've done it for the last two years, and as much as I preach that I'll never have kids, I'm just not that kind of person; in knowing that I'll miss out on being able to wave their buses away after the performances, I feel very sad inside.

Maybe I just want to do too much...but is it so wrong to want to do everything?

So...as I said, I find myself questioning everything. Do I want to be a performer or a costumer? Can I be both? Is this kind of career path going to sustain me? Am I going to have to work in retail for the rest of my life??

Coming off "A Midsummer Night's Dream," I feel a great sense of accomplishment. I'm not going to lie - Shakespeare has never been easy for me to understand. Reading it in high school was dreadful - but that was high school, I suppose. Still, I didn't know how it was going to settle with me from the performing aspect of things...and, well, I think it settled quite well, as I seem to have fallen a bit in love with it. I want to pursue performing Shakespeare in the future...I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. Just another possible path to take in the future...there seem to be more and more of those popping up at every turn.

The end of a show is always so bittersweet. I feel like I've really done something, and then, in a fleeting moment - it's gone. Two performances and all those weeks of work...gone. And now, that show that gave me direction for so long is gone, and I am somewhat directionless. Perhaps that explains my cosmically confusing dreams. All I know is this - - I miss being queen of the fairies, but I am quite excited to delve deeper into the world of costuming.

How will this fadge?